Marriage and Couples Counselling Sydney - Love and Respect
Mutual love and respect are essential parts of a functioning relationship. But many couples hold unrealistic beliefs about love and respect that can lead to difficulties.
What is love?
The love we feel at the begining of a new relationship is perhaps one of the most powerful emotions that we can experience. When in love, we are almost consumed by thoughts of the other person and the need to be together. This initial feeling is accompanied by strong physical sensations, mediated by biological changes in the brain. Butterflies in the tummy when thinking of the other person, sexual arousal and the occasional "dizziness" are all part of being "in love". Naturally, remaining in this emotional state for long is not possible.
The initial feelings of being "in love" usually last for 10 months to a year. During this time our thoughts are positively biased and we see our partners through a positive filter. Given the choice of both positive and negative descriptions of human characteristics, new couples would rather select the positive description, as in describing the partner as "adventourous" rather than "reckless", or "easygoing" rather than "irresponsible".
Being "In Love"
Being "in love" with another person is a hightened emotional state that usually happens at the beginning of the relationship. This emotional state often settles as we spend more time with our partner. This is a normal development in relationships, which often leads to "compassionate love".
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Compassionate Love
Compassionate love is the awareness of our partner's emotional states and our drive to maintain his/her well being. Compassionate love also goes hand in hand with empathy and our ability to "experience" the world from our partner's perspective. Even if this perspective is different from ours, compassionate love will drive us towards wanting the best for our partner.
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What is respect?
Respect is an essential component of succesful relationships. It requires a deeper understanding of one's partner and a knowledge of similarities and differences.
Agree to Disagree
You don't have to be the same with your partner and your opinions don't have to converge. You both have the right to your opinions, world views and values. And sometimes this could lead to conflict.
A relationship based on respect will accept that partners can have opposing opinions or ideas. In fact, mutual respect means that couples are able to learn about each other's views and opinions on topics and can predict how and when differences would surface. By accepting such differences, couples can "agree to disagree", respectfully.
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The "Me Time"
Some coples are horrified of the idea of the "me time", time spent away from the partner, doing something with others or alone. In fact, the "me time" is an essential part of healthy relationships. We are not "Siamese twins" with our partners and it is OK to maintain our interests and hobbies within relationships.
Successful couples use the "me time" really well and respect their partners' needs. In turn, the "me time" is never abused, out of respect for the partner who encourages us to maintain our individual interests and activities.
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Some Ideas to Maintain Love and Respect
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Think and do romantic things (e.g., bath together, candle light dinner...etc).
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Try to please your partner and do more than usual every now and then.
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Think about what you appreciate and love in your partner.
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Think about what makes your partner "tick", try to get to know him/her even more.
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Listen. Try to listen without interrupting your partner, no matter how hard it is.
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Try to put yourself in your partner's situations. What would he/she think in certain situations?
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